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Lets just say many of these arrived in my e-mail and may not be appropriate for all readers. Remember I just collected these jokes and I don't know the origin of any of them. The collection is quite large so I've split the bulk into seven pages which you can jump to easily by clicking below.
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Fred got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and to his amazement and joy, she was as lovely and sweet as his friend Michael had promised. “I’ll be ready in a few minutes” she said, “Why don’t you play with Ginger while you’re waiting? She does wonderful tricks. She’ll roll over, shake hands, sit up and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this, she’ll jump right through.” The dog followed Fred out onto the balcony and started rolling over. He asked Ginger to shake hands and sure enough she reached up and offered him a paw. Fred thought she was irresistible so he made a hoop with his arms and sure enough, Ginger jumped right through, and over the balcony railing. Just then Fred’s date walked onto the balcony. “Isn’t little Ginger the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?” she asked. “To tell the truth,” he replied, “she seemed a bit depressed to me.”
WARNING Due to the rising incidence of human-bear encounters, the Newfoundland Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and any other persons using the out-ofdoors in a recreational or work related way, to take extra precautions while in the field. NFWB also advises inexperienced outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be in the vicinity. This will help to eliminate some surprises. We further advise inexperienced outdoorsmen to carry “Pepper Spray” in case of an encounter with a bear. Outdoorsmen are also advised to be on the watch for fresh bear activity, most often in the form of fresh feces. Knowing the difference of the color and texture of feces between the types of bears would be valuable. For example in comparing Black bear feces with Grizzly feces one would note that the Black bear feces is smaller and usually contains berries, seeds and squirrel fur, while Grizzly shit has little noisy bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
Bubba bragged to his boss one day, “I know everyone there is to know. Name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK Bubba,” he challenged, “how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss flew to Hollywood to knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, answered the door shouting, “Bubba! Great to see you! Come in for lunch!” Although impressed, Bubba’s boss was still skeptical. After leaving Cruise’s house, he suggested to Bubba that he was just incredibly lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else.” Bubba insisted. “President Clinton!” blurted the boss. “Yes,” Bubba responds, “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they went. At the White House, Clinton spotted Bubba on the tour and motioned to him saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I’m just on my way to a meeting but let’s grab five minutes, a coffee and we’ll catch up!” The boss was blown away by this but still not totally convinced. At the airport, the boss again expressed his doubts to Bubba, who again implored him to name absolutely anyone else. “The Pope.” his boss sneered confidently. “Sure!” says Bubba. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So they continued their strange journey with a flight to Rome. There they assembled with the masses in Vatican Square.Bubba grimaced, “This won’t do. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye amongst all these people. Here’s a plan. I know all the guards. They’ll let me go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” With that he disappeared into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerged with the Pope on the balcony! Bubba returned to find that his boss, who was surrounded by paramedics, had suffered a heart attack. How did this happen?” he asked his still-conscious employer. “I was doing fine when you and the Pope first came out on the balcony,” he whispered, “but when the man next to me said, ‘Hey. Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba? Well....I”
A man, asleep in bed with his wife heard a rat-a-tat-tat at the door. He rolled over and looked at his clock, to find that it was half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time.” he decided, and rolled over attempting to get back to sleep.. A knock, louder than the first soon followed. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” insisted his wife. So he dragged himself out of bed and trudged downstairs. He opened the door and standing there was a man. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurred the stranger. “Can you give me a push?” The homeowner rolled his eyes and in an angry voice replied, “No. Get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed.” And he slammed the door. He returned to bed and told his wife what had transpired. “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s door and he was kind enough to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But this guy was drunk.” protested the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” preached the wife. “He needs our help and it would be Christian to help him.” So the husband slipped out of bed again, dressed and returned downstairs. Opening the front door and being unable to see the stranger anywhere he shouted, “Hey, do you still want a push?” Sure enough a voice nearby cries out, “Yeah. Please.” “Where are you?” shouted the homeowner still unable to pinpoint the voice. “Over here of course,” slurred the stranger, “On yer swing.”
I proposed to my beloved Isabelle, but prior to her acceptance she revealed to me the facts of a childhood illness. She informed me that she had suffered from a disease that caused the size of her left breast to be equivalent to that of a 12-year-old. I told her that my love for her transcended all. However, I felt this was the time for me to open up and admit that I also had a deformity. I looked Isabelle in the eyes and said, “I too have a problem. I have an infant-sized penis. I hope you can accept that after we’re married.” She nodded hesitantly, “Yes. I’ll marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis.” Isabelle and I got married and we could not wait for the honeymoon. I whisked her off to our hotel suite where we started touching, teasing, and tickling one another. As Isabelle put her hands into my pants she started screaming then quickly ran out of the room. I ran after her to find out what was wrong. She cried, “you told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is.” I insisted, “7 pounds, 6 ounces and 17” long!”
Interesting questions....
? If 20 odds-and-ends lay on a table and nineteen dropped off would an odd or an end be left on the table?
? What is the speed of dark?
? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
? If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless? ? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to make noise?
? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
? When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
? If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
? How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
? What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
? What’s another word for synonym?
? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
? How can there be self-help groups?
? Where are Preparations A through G?
? Are there seeing-eye humans for blind dogs?
? If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
This e-mail is to announce the development of a new, forward compatible, software system to be known as “the Multi Year Application Software System” to be known as MYASS. Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will introduce MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat intimidated by MYASS. Transferring information might be challenging. Last week my secretary said to me “I’m a little nervous. I have never inserted anything into MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterwards she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.As MYASS grows ever larger, we envisage a time when it will be common place for a supervisor to assign tasks to an employee, saying “Here, get this into in MYASS immediately.” It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond “Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.”
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? If you could just pronounce where we are, very slowly, that would be very helpful.” “Sure,” said the blonde girl leaning over the counter, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
A huge, muscular man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender slid him the beer saying, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique. It really is phenomenal! I have a question though. Why is your head so small?” The big guy nodded slowly, obviously having fielded this question many times before. “One day,” he began, “I was hunting got lost in the woods. I heard a cry for help. I found that it had come from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.’ So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, ‘You now have 3 wishes.’ I looked down at my scrawny 115-pound body and said, ‘I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.’ She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! Then she asked, ‘What will be your second wish?’ I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.’ She nodded, lay down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?’ I looked at her and replied, ‘How about a little head?’”
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
An American, touring Spain, stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good but the aroma was exhilarating. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, “Ahh, Senor you have excellent taste! The dish is called, Testículos el Toro, they are the testicles of the bull from the bullfight this very morning. A rare delicacy!” The American, though initially hesitant, succumbed to his own adventurous spirit. “What the hell! I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!” The waiter replied, “I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order first, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!” The next morning, the American arrived bright and early, managing to place his order successfully. In the evening he returned in great anticipation of the one and only special delicacy of the day. After inspecting the contents of his platter and taking a few faltering nibbles, he called to the waiter claiming, “These are delicious, but you know, you can easily see that they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!” The waiter shrugged his shoulders helplessly saying, “That is true Senor. But sometimes the bull…he wins.”
More Thoghts....
Why are people who “need no introduction” always being introduced?
Why is the word “abbreviation” so long? Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do drive-up ATM’s have Braille pads?
Why are builders afraid to include a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid of a Chapter 11?
Why is a driver’s license needed to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. We all know the excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. Research indicates that the alcohol attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. It appears safe to conclude that this is the reason one always feels smarter after a few beers.
A beautiful blonde goes into a worldwide message center in New York to send an urgent message to her mother in Los Angeles. The man behind the counter tells her that it will cost her $300. “I don’t have any money,” she exclaims, “but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in L.A.!” The man sizes her up and asks, “Anything?” Desperately the blonde agrees, “Yes....ANYTHING!” With that the man closes the office and says, “Follow me!” He walks into the next room and tells her, “Come in and close the door.” She does this and then he says, “Get on your knees.” She does. Then he commands, “Take down my zipper.” She does. Then he says, “Go ahead, take it out.” Hesitantly, she takes it out, looking at him cautiously. Then the man says somewhat impatiently, “Well, go ahead!!” She leans in, bringing it closer to her parting lips and says, “HELLO, MOM?”
A Blonde walked into a bank in New York City. She informed the loan officer there, that she was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5000. The officer replied that the bank would need some kind of security for such a loan. The Blonde gestured out the window toward a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. She dropped the keys onto the desk. Everything checked out, and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drove the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the Blonde returned, repaid the $5000 plus interest of $15.41. As he handed her the keys the loan officer said, “We’re very happy to have had your business. The transaction worked out cleanly. But we’re a little puzzled. While you were away, we did some research and learned that you, in fact, are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow five grand?” The blonde responded with a laugh, “Where else in New York can I safely park a car like mine, 2 weeks for just $15.00 and no tip?”
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She developed a terrible headache but encouraged her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, he protested, but after assurances that his fun needn’t be spoiled and that she would simply go to bed and sleep it off, he took his costume and off he went. The wife, slept soundly for about an hour, then awoke fully recovered and pleased that there was a still so much time to enjoy the party. Keeping in mind that her husband did not know what her costume was, she decided she would have some fun by observing his solo party habits. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just sauntered in. She’d decided to let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and enjoyed a passionate backseat bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away home where she hid her costume. She slid into bed, wondering what kind of description of his behavior he would give her. She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked him what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know, It’s not fun when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other unaccompanied guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re never going to believe what happened to the guy that borrowed my costume!”
Pinocchio’s human girlfriend would sometimes complain about splinters after they had sex. Pinocchio decided to ask Gepetto if he could help. Gepetto suggested a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How are things with the girlfriend?” Pinocchio grinned, “Who needs a girlfriend?
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburn on his “tool of the trade.” But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member into the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor. “No, can’t say I’ve ever done any of those things either.” “Well then,” wondered the doctor, “Why would you want to live to be a hundred?”
A young boy went off to college, but after several weeks had foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. “Hmmmm,” he wondered, “How am I gonna get more dough?” Inspired by a brain flash he called his father. “Dad,” he began, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern educational researchers are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!” “That’s absolutely amazing!” his father sputters. “How do I get him in that program?” “Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.” Starstruck, the father sent both the dog and the $1000. Deep into the semester the money ran out again. The boy again called his father. “So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asked. “Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this! They’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!” “READ!?” bellows his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?” “Just send $2,500,” instructed the boy, “I’ll get him into the class.” Again his father sent the money. At the end of the semester, the boy had a problem. When he would arrive home, his father would find out that the dog could neither talk nor read. So the boy took the dog out into a large field and shot it. Arriving home, his excited father calls out, “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”“Dad,” the boy began, “I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives down on Oak Street?’” The father’s jaw dropped and he bit right through his pipe. “Oh, shit! I hope you SHOT that lyin’ son of a bitch!” “Right where he stood, Dad! Right where he stood.” The father smiled, “That’s my boy! Yessir, that’s my boy.”
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar, and turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my privates inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my kit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his genitals in the alligator’s ferocious mouth. The ‘gator closed his jaws as the crowd gasped. The ‘gator and the man remained motionless while the crowd watched silently. After a minute the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The ‘gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay $100 to anyone willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde babe in a tank top timidly spoke up. “I’ll do it. But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
A cop pulls over a guy in his car and says, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The guy says, “I haven’t a clue?” “You were speeding.” The cop replies flatly. “No I wasn’t.” the guy insists. His wife leans over and says, “Oh yeah. You were.” Then the cop says, “You also ran a red light.” “It was yellow.” Protests the guy. His wife leans over again and says, “It was definitely red.” The cop says, “Do you two always fight this much?” The wife says, “No. Only when he’s drunk!”
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband’s best friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings. She answers and after hanging up says, “That was Harry, but don’t worry, he says he won’t be home for awhile. He’s out playing cards with you.”
“You really should offer me a raise!” said the slacker to his boss. “There are three other companies after me.” “Really?” asked the manager. “What companies?” “Well,” offered the slouch, “The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”
The difference between the sex's?....
? If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
? If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
? Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 for the tab even though it’s only for $32.50. None of has anything smaller, and none will actually admit they’d like change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
? A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
? A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
? The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
? A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
? Women love cats. Men say they do, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
? A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
? A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
? A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
? A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
? A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
? A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
? A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
? A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
? Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes. It’s our job as women to stomp them and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they’ll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Mental Anxiety
Menopause
Mental breakdown
Ever notice that all problems begin with Men?
Q. What’s the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him and tell him to choose only one.
Q. Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end to wipe.
Q. What is the difference between men & women?
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants EVERY woman to satisfy his one need!
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
A. Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”.
Have a history teacher explain this if they can.
? Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
? John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
? Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
? John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
? The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
? Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
? Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
? Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
? Both Presidents were shot in the head.
? Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
? Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.
? Both were assassinated by Southerners.
? Both were succeeded by Southerners.
? Both successors were named Johnson.
? Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
? Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
? John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
? Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
? Both assassins were known by their three names.
? Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
? Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Kennedy.’
? Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘Lincoln.’
? Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
? Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
? Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here’s the kicker...
? A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
? A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
The Sydney Morning Herald of Australia reports of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood, and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
A kindergarten teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked. Mary put her hand up and said, “Mooooo!” “Very good,” replied the teacher. “What sound do sheep make?” “Baaaa,” answered Billy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, “What sound does a pig make?” All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, “Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!”
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. Suddenly the wife stops saying, “I don’t feel like more, I just want you to ‘hold’ me.” “Pardon me?!” responds the incredulous hubby. The wife points out that if he can’t handle it then he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband correctly concludes that nothing further is going to happen that night and so he decides not to push it. The next day the husband takes the wife shopping at an exclusive designer fashion boutique. There they select three very expensive outfits for her to try on. She is so overwhelmed by the luxury that she can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three with them and they’ll go look for matching shoes. In the shoe department they find three matching pairs, each well over $100. Next they move on to the jewellery department, where she chooses a set of diamond earrings. The excited wife truly thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn’t care. She implores him for the tennis bracelet. The husband points out that, “You don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s throw that on the pile.” The wife is jumping up and down she’s so excited and she just cannot believe what is going on. She begs him, “Let’s go pay for this stuff. I’m dying to get home and try it all on again.” Suddenly, the husband stops and says, “No, honey I don’t feel like buying all these things now.” The wife’s face goes blank. He continues, “Honey, I just want you to ‘hold’ these items for a while.” Her expression is indescribable and just as she is about to explode the husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding, swerving convertible on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde knitting as she drove! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, “PULLOVER!” “NOPE.” yelled the blonde with a broad smile, “IT’S A SCARF!”
A feisty 90-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. “Labor charges!” she exclaimed. “It only took you five minutes.” The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. “Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor!” the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
A young boy was kneeling by his bed saying his prayers and asked God to make him a good boy. The boy’s father, passing by the bedroom, overheard his son’s prayers. “And God, make me a good boy if possible,” spoke the lad, his hands clasped reverently. “ But if not, don’t worry about it, ‘cause I’m having fun the way I am.”
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in Houston, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes, protocol and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, “Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?” The man replied, “That’s one benefit of owning the company!”
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. “For example,” he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall and weighed 108 pounds with measurements of 30-25 32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?” The class fell into a thoughtful silence for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.” “Why is that?” asked the professor. “For one thing,” the student pointed out, “She’d be way too old.”
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old exotic dancer. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse congratulated the codger saying “It’s amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “Simple, you’ve got to keep that old motor running!” The following year the young wife gave birth again. Once again, the same nurse asked the senior sire, “How do you do it? It’s amazing!” He again responded, “Simple, you’ve just got to keep the old motor running!” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man!” Remembering her he reaffirmed, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running!” “Well, it’s time to change your oil,” suggested the nurse, “because this one’s black!”
Three Canadians and three Americans are travelling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. “How are you three guys going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the Yanks. “Watch and learn.” answers a cocky Canuck. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door saying, “ Ticket please.” The door opens just a crack and the ticket emerges in the grip of two shy fingers. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadian’s trick on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don’t buy any tickets at all! “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed American. “Watch and learn.” answers the knowledgeable northerner. Upon boarding the train the three Americans cram into one bathroom while the three Canadians cram into another nearby bathroom nearby. As soon as the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves their bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says “Tickets, please!”
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them. “Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked. “Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin. “Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?” “Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.” “Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.” “Thass right.” said the old man with pride. “Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19.” the reporter remarked. “Naw, sir, “ said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.” “Wait just one minute.” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?” “Cause,” the spry old man said waving a balled fist, “Ifights ‘em.”
“What the fuck was that?” - Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” - General Custer
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” - Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!” - Pablo Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?” - Pythagoras
“You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” - Michaelangelo
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” - Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers...my ass.” - Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” - JFK
“Who the fuck is going to know?” - Bill Clinton
Dear Advice:
A couple of women moved across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Advice:
I have a man I never could trust. He actually cheats so often that I’m not sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
Dear Advice:
I am a 23 year-old liberated woman on the pill. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Advice:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Advice:
Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?
Dear Advice:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Advice:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Advice:
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Advice:
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t and he finally did it
Dear Advice:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he spoke aloud imploring, “Lord grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant one wish.” The man responded instantly saying, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.” The Lord proclaimed, “Your request is very materialistic. Consider the enormous challenges in that kind of undertaking, not to mention the chaos it would create. The concrete and steel needed to construct supports that reach the floor of the Pacific Ocean would displace enough water to flood over the world’s coastlines at least a mile inland.” The deity reflected for a moment then added, “Since I, your Lord God have promised to grant one wish, I could do this, but justification to work a devastating miracle on the premise of such self-interest dictates that this is not a wish I can grant you. Take more time. Think of another, a wish that would honor and glorify me.” The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they cry, and what they mean when they say ‘nothing.’ I’ve got to know how to make a woman truly happy.” The Lord rolled his eyes toward heaven and asked him, “You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”
Quick thoughts...
? There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s
? The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
? I live in my own little world, but it’s ok, everyone knows me here.
? A fat woman’s sweatshirt said ‘Guess’ on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”
? I don’t do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just by standing up fast.
? Sign in a Chinese Pet Shop, ‘Buy one dog, get one flea!’
? Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
? For Christmas I got a sweater. I was hoping for a screamer or a drooler.
? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal?”
? I hate political jokes! Too many of them get elected.
? The most precious thing is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
? Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
? I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
? Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days that I’ve remained death free.
? Claudia Schiffer must be some kind of genius. I told a friend my plan to achieve world peace, and he told me I must have “Schiffer Brains.”
? A minute’s length depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
? A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section at the beach.
? Marriage diminishes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
? Why is it that most nudists are people you would never want to see naked?
? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
? Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s sage advice, “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
