Welcome to my Jokes and bad humor Section 7 of 7
Lets just say many of these arrived in my e-mail and may not be appropriate for all readers. Remember I just collected these jokes and I don't know the origin of any of them. The collection is quite large so I've split the bulk into seven pages which you can jump to easily by clicking below.

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An English man, a Scots man and an Irishman worked in a factory operating machinery. Suddenly, the Englishman caught his arm in the machine and it was sliced right off. “Quick!” shouted the Scotsman, “Put his arm in this plastic bag and phone an ambulance.” Soon the Englishman was whipped off to hospital and three months later he was back at work as good as new. His arm was sewn back on, working fine, and he got $45,000 compensation! The Scots man thought to himself. I’ll have some of that and caught his leg in the machine. Leg in plastic bag. Off to hospital. Leg sewn on. Good as ever. Back to work four months later with $80,000 compensation. The Irishman was truly impressed. “I’ll have some of that.” he thought to himself and stuck his head into the machine. Several months passed and there was no sign of him back at work. “What ever happened to O’ Roarke?” asked the Englishman. “Oh him!” said the Scotsman, “He suffocated on the way to hospital.”

Food for thought....
? Why does sour cream have an expiry date?
? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?
? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
? Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?
? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
? If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?
? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
? When someone offers ‘a penny for your thoughts’ and you put your ‘two cents in,’ should you expect change?
? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
? When do cheeses say when they pose for a picture?
? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar isn’t called a racist, or a player of a harp is not known as a Harpoonis ?
? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
? Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
? ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest?
? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would they call it Fed UP?
? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
? What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They’re cramming for their final exam.
? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do? Write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
? If it’s true that we are here to help others then what exactly are the others here for?
? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
? No one ever says. “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
? If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him is he still wrong?

Robert Burns and Robert Louis Stevenson have both died and gone to heaven. St. Peter is waiting at the gate and is very pleased to see two of earth’s great writers. St Peter tells the lads how thrilled he is and how he would like each of him to perform a small favor before entering heaven. “You are two of earth’s finest writers,” says St.Peter, “so would you give me a sonnet using the word Timbukto?” Robert Burns thinks for a minute and then speaks “ I was standing on s a spot of land, a telescope was in me hand. A sailing ship came into view. Her destination, Timbuktu.” “Beautiful. Simply beautiful” exalts St. Peter. He then looks to Robert Louis Stevenson and says “Can you top that one Laddy?” Stevenson muses for a moment then raises his head and orates, “We were walking on a stretch of land. We spied three maidens in the sand. Since they were three and we were two. I bucked one and Tim-buck-two”

The Internal Revenue Service has announced that whereas in the past in which the penis was not taxed, that policy is due to change. The penis was not taxed previously because 40% of the time it just hangs around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and the remaining 10% of the time it’s in the hole. In addition both dependants are nuts. This all changes effective January 1st. From that time on penises will be taxed according to size The brackets are as follows: 10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax 8 - 10 inches Pole Tax 5 to 8 inches Privilege Tax 4 to 5 inches Nuisance Tax Males exceeding 12 inches must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Many issues are still under debate including, Should there be a penalty for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

An older married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple entered the shop. The Indian man said to them. “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex like great desert camel.” Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, sex god he thought he was. The sceptical husband asked the man. “How could sandals make anyone into a sex freak?” The shopkeeper replied. “Just try them on Sahib.” After some badgering from his wife the husband finally gave in and tried them on. The instant he slipped them onto his feet he got a wild look in his eyes. It was something his wife hadn’t seen in many years, raw sexual power! In the blink of an eye the husband grabbed the Indian man, through him roughly over a table, yanked down his trousers, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold on each of the Indian’s butt cheeks. Just as he was about to plunge the shocked shopkeeper shrieked, “PLEASE SAHIB, YOU ARE HAVING DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!”

In Shakespeare’s time mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When the ropes where pulled the mattress tightened making the bed firmer to sleep on. That’s where the phrase, ‘Goodnight. Sleep tight’ came from. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4.000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based this period was called the “honey month” or what we know today as the ‘Honeymoon.’ In English pubs patrons order ale by pints and quarts. So in old England when customers got unruly the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s here we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s.’ Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill they used the whistle to get service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had the consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). If someone wanted to have a baby they obtained the consent of the King who gave them a placard to hang on their door while they were having sex. Inscribed on the placard were the words ‘Fornication Under Consent of the King.’ This was eventually shortened to ‘F.U.C.K.’ Now you know where that came from. In Scotland a new game was invented. It was entitled ‘Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden’ and from that the word GOLF entered the English lexicon.

A jock took really good care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was tanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand except for his penis. That he left protruding from the sand. A short while later two little old ladies, one with a cane, strolled along the beach toward him. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady she said, “There really is no justice in the world.” Her companion asked, “Why do you say that?” The first little old lady replied, “Look at this thing. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I’m 80 the damned things are growing wild and I’m too old to squat!

A couple, driving from Florida to Boston decided to stop for a rest. Choosing a reputable hotel they took a room, planning to sleep for no more than four hours before returning to the road. Upon checking out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man became livid. He told the clerk that although it was a nice hotel the rooms certainly weren’t worth $350. The clerk confirmed $350 as the standard rate so the man insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared, listened to the man and then explained that the hotel included an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. “But we didn’t use them.” the man pointed out. “Well, they’re here and you could have.” explained the Manager. He added that the couple could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here.” the Manager boasted. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows.” complained the man once more. “Well, we have them and you could have.” the Manager replied. No matter what facility the Manager mentioned the man replied “But we didn’t use it!” The Manager was unmoved and eventually the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. The Manager stiffened upon seeing the cheque. “But sir,” he said. “This check is only made out for $100.” “That’s right.” confirmed the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”“But I didn’t sleep with your wife!” exclaimed the Manager. “Well,” the man replied, “she was here and you could have.”

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the servers had a spoon in their pockets. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked, “Why the spoon?” He explained, “The restaurant’s owners hired efficiency experts to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift.” As we finished talking a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and saying, “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off. I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”“Oh, certainly!” he answered lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as observant as you. The efficiency experts also found out that we can save time in the restroom.” “How so?” I probed, “See,” he continued, “by tying a string around your…well, you know. We can pull it out over the urinal without touching it. That way we eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent” “Okay.” I offered, “That makes sense. But if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?” The waiter lowered his voice even further and said, “I can’t speak for the others…but I use the spoon.”

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed. He told her a story and listened to her prayers. She ended her ritual with the words, “God bless Mommy and God bless Daddy. God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The next day Grandpa died. The father remembered the girl’s prayers but dismissed it as a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which again became cryptic. Her final words were, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” Sure enough, the very next day the grandmother died. “Oh My God!” thought the father. “This kid has connections to the other side.” Several weeks later as the girl was going to bed the dad overheard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep at all and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was a basket case all day. He had lunch delivered and watched the clock. He concluded that if he could just get by until midnight he would be OK. Instead of driving home at the end of the day he remained at work, drinking coffee, checking his watch, and jumping at every sound. At long last midnight arrived. He breathed a deep sigh of relief and raced home. On his arrival his wife inquired, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” “I don’t want to talk about it.” He answered, “I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.” “You think you had a rough day.” Replied his wife unsympathetically, “You’ll never believe what happened here! This morning, the mailman dropped dead on our porch!”

Little Blimpy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After his 6th chocolate laden treat, a old man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat.” Little Blimpy replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.” The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?” Little Blimpy answered, “No, he minded his own fuckin’ business!”

One day an Englishman, an American and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage, they each noticed that a housefly had landed in their own personal pint to become lodged in the foamy head of the beer. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian also picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU THEIVING BASTARD!”

Recognizing the values revealed via the funding for Ebonics in California. The Southern Association of Colleges and Schools is Requesting Billions of Federal Dollars to teach Y’All-bonics in all classrooms south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Here are some preliminary samples of Y’All-bonics. HEIDI - (noun) – A greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Example: “Heidi. Hire yew?” BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Example: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. The capitol is Atlanner. Example: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.” BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. The Capitol is Berminhayum. Example: A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20.000.000 in improvements.” MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Example: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain’t herd from him in munts.” THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Example: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.” BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Example: Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.” IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Example: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!” RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Example: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.” ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Example: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Example: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.” TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Example: “Gee. I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.” TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Example: “The good Lord willin’ and if the creek don’t rise I sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime.” RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Example: “My grampaw retard at age 65.” FAT - (noun). ( verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Example: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.” RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Example: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.” CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Example: “Just set that bare rat cheer.” FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Example: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed. Must be from some farn country.” DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Example “He’s did. Jim.” ARE - (noun) - A colorless. odorless gas; Oxygen. Example: “He cain’t breathe..give ‘im some ARE!” BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Example: “Hey boy, stay away from that bob war fence.” JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Example “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?” HAZE - a contraction. Example: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah..haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit n’is laf.” SEED - (verb) - past tense of “to see.” VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Example: “I ain’t never seed New York City.. view?” GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Example: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

A female TV reporter arranged an on location interview with a farmer seeking in an investigative report on the cause of Mad Cow Disease. The Barbara Walters wannabe decided to get right to the point asking the farmer, “Good evening Sir. We’ve come directly to the farm to try to unravel the mystery of Mad Cow Disease. What is your theory on this puzzling abnormality? The farmer stared at the reporter and said. “Do you know that the bull fucks the cow just once a year? The reporters face grew flush as she tried to regain control of the interview, “Well sir, I guess that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between that statistic and Mad Cow Disease? “Well Madam,” began the farmer, “Did you know that we milk the cow four times a day?” “Sir,” the reporter replied, “this is really fascinating information but if you could come to the point as to what you think is the cause of Mad Cow disease?” “I am getting to the point Madam.” the farmer retorted, “I’m thinkin’ that if I played with your tits four times a day and only fucked you once a year, you’d be pretty darn mad yourself!”

Good: Your hubby and you agree on no more kids Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re the star Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He’s a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better in heels than you do Good: Your son’s finally growing up Bad: He’s having sex with the woman next door Ugly: You are too Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It’s another man Ugly: It’s your boss Good: You’re pregnant. Bad: It’s triplets Ugly: Your hubby had a vasectomy five years ago Good: Your husband won’t talk to you Bad: He wants a divorce Ugly: He’s a lawyer

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day: The first worm -- dead Second worm -- dead Third worm -- dead Fourth worm -- alive Scientific Conclusion: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex you won’t get worms

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she orders another glass and again tips it down her skirt. Finally, the bartender can contain his curiosity no more so he asks her, “Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?” “Well,” the woman replies. “I just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I intend to share it with!”

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery?
’ Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice?
’ Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that while driving and searching for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can’t they make the plane out of that stuff?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items in front of him. He picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and filled it with rocks of about a 2” diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. Naturally, the pebbles filtered into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that now, for sure, it was full. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Predictably, the sand filled up everything else. “Now,” said the professor. “I want you to recognize that this jar is your life. The rocks are important things like family, your partner, your health and your children. These things that if everything else was lost and only they remained your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take the time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner dancing. There’s always time to work, clean house, or fix the plumbing. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” Just then a student poured a can of beer into the jar. This filled the remaining space in the jar making it truly full. The philosophy student turned to the professor and the rest ofthe class and made the following astounding and enlightening statement, “No matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.”

At Duke University, four sophomores were taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs that each had an “A” so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time but after all the hearty partying they slept through Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study but unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet then told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool.” they thought at the same time each in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points) Which tire got the flat?

God had been missing for six days. On the seventh day, Michael the Archangel found him resting. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?” God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. “Look at what I’ve created.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said. “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God. “I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” “Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. “For example,” God explained as He pointed to different parts of the newly formed globe, “Northern Europe will be a place of great wealth while Southern Europe is to be poor. Over there, I’ve place a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.” Michael watched the lecture with great curiosity. “This one will be extremely hot and arid,” God continued as He pointed out different countries, “while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, “What about that one?” “Ah.” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. I’ve given it beautiful mountains, clear blue lakes, raging powerful rivers, tranquil streams and a simply exquisite coastline. Canadian people will be modest, intelligent and funny. They will travel the planet. They’ll be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achievers who will be known throughout the world as diplomats and peacemakers. I’m also going to give them super-human, unbeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who face them.”Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance Lord? You said there will be balance?” God in his wisdom replied, “ Just wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.”

Seated on either side of the beautiful blonde British babe who was taking the train, were an American fellow and a Canadian guy. The train darkened completely as it entered a tunnel. Suddenly, a big wet kissing sound was followed by a tremendous slap! The train exited the tunnel leaving the three travellers deep in thought. The woman and the Canadian sat there looking perplexed as the American was doubled over favoring his face, now quite red from an apparent slap. “Damn it!” thought the American, “That Canadian cad must have tried to kiss the girl. She thought it was me and slapped me by mistake.” “That American fellow must have moved to kiss me,” concluded the blonde to herself, “and kissed the Canadian chap instead and he slapped him for it.” “That was fun!” mused the Canadian, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I’m going to make another kissing sound and slap that stupid American again!”

A major magazine recently ran a contest in which entrants were to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions: As of tomorrow employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (Microsoft) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (3M Corp.) My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (Dell Computers) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he accused her of dying so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday saying. “That would be better for me.” (FTD Florists) Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Citrix Corporation) We know that communication is a problem but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (AT&T) This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft) One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow. I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (Hallmark Greeting Cards.) This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!” (Lucent Technologies)

Let’s face it, English is a bizarre language. There is neither egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger. Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which are not sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not just one annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them what do you call it? If teacher had taught, why hadn’t the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.Have you noticed that we sometimes talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horsemore carriage or a strapmore gown? Have you ever heard of a sung hero? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. People, not computers, invented English and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all.) That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why when I wind up my watch it starts, but when I wind up this essay it ends.

T-shirt Slogans
? Frankly Scallop. I Don’t Give a Clam. (Worn on Cape Cod)
? That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma! (Worn by an 8 year old)
? Procrastinate Now!
? Rehab Is for Quitters.
? My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
? I Have a Liberal Arts Degree. You Want Fries With That?
? Party - My Crib - Two A.M. (Worn by an 8 week old)
? Finally! 21 and Legal to Do What I’ve Done Since I Was 16.
? All Men Are Idiots and I Married Their King.
? West Virginia: One Million People. 15 Last Names.
? I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN.
? A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
? A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
? STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
? DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music.
? MOOSEHEAD: Great beer and a new experience for the moose.
? It’s called PMS because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.
? He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
? Time’s fun when you’re having flies...Kermit the Frog.
? FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
? If you don’t believe in Gosh, you’re doomed to Heck!
? The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.
? Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
? The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
? Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
? The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
? My Wild Oats Have Turned To Shredded Wheat.
? MOP AND GLOW – Official Floor wax of Three-Mile- Island.
? My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

It was autumn. The Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never really bothered to learn the old ways so when he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, maintain his aura of wisdom, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He snuck out to a secluded phone booth where he called the National Weather Service asking, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” The meteorologist affirmed “Yes. It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed.” So the Chief went back to his people and told them to gather even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a really cold winter?” he asked again. “Yes,” replied the man, “It is going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he consulted the National Weather Service again asking, “Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be particularly cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.” “How can you be so sure?” asked the Chief. “Well,” explained the weatherman, “The local Indian tribe has been collecting wood like crazy.”

Bad Ideas....
1. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath even if they don’t and then punch them in the face.
2. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks tell everyone how you were just kidding and tell them that they are all a bunch of fucking queers.
3. Before a meeting fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting put one finger in the air and make a noise like you are hocking up a loogie. Then spit the custard into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say, “Beat that.”
4. Inform a male co-worker that he “wouldn’t make a good hooker.” Then piss in his coffee and tell him that he needs a good ass fucking.
5. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and keep one hand down your pants.
6. Answer every question asked to you with “Fuck if I know” then call the person a racial slur that doesn’t even correspond to their actual race.
7. Brag about the fact that you own a gun and keep playing with your nuts. Get them all sweaty and then walk around shaking everyone’s hands.
8. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it tell them it is the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up and realize that their hand is covered in shit laugh, point at them and call them a fucking moron.
9. Run down the hall with your dick out, pissing all over the place, yelling, “It won’t stop! Help me!” Then when it stops, look down at it and say “Oh.”
10. Ask to borrow a pen. Bring it into the bathroom and stick it up your ass. Return it to the person from whom you borrowed it and ask them to smell it. When they tell you that it smells bad say, “It should. I had it in my ass.”

Things I Should Have Known before I Entered the Real World
1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying “Why, thank you” (but say it with a Southern accent).
2. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
3. Never continue dating anyone rude to waiters and who doesn’t like dogs or cats.
4. Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it. It is funny.
5. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, then use the tape.
6. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
7. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
8. If he or she says that you are too good for him or her, believe it.
9. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, “Will this matter one year from now? One month? One week? One day?”
10. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
12. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

A man and a woman who have never met before find they are assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial awkwardness and shyness they both go to sleep with the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?” The woman leans out and with a glint in her eye says. “I have a better idea. Just for tonight let’s pretend that we are married.” The man happily agrees saying, “That sounds great!” The woman says, “Good! Get your own fuckin’ blanket.”

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, Madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes. I know.” said the lady. “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But madam, you must know that your privates are completely exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, Anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I promised my wife that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30am and drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself having initiated a quick witty solution even while smashed, to prevent a possible marital conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said “Oh fuck!” cuckooed four more times cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then cut a thunderous fart.

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur’s court. His greatest ambition in life was to be called to the service of the King. This racked him with guilt as he also had a long-standing obsession to bury his face within the voluptuous breasts of the Queen. Alas, he knew this would always remain a fantasy, as the penalty for such an outrageous offence would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague Horatio the chief physician to the King. Intrigued, Horatio said, “I do believe I can arrange that. I would need 1.000 gold coins to pay bribes.” Michael the Dragon Master was overwhelmed at the thought and readily agreed. The following day Horatio arranged for a batch of itching lotion to be sprinkled into the silken brassiere of the Queen as her majesty bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching began and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio informed the King that only a special saliva, applied for four hours would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in the mouth of Michael the Dragon Master. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and insisted he administer the cure. Discreetly, Michael the Dragon Master slipped the actual antidote to the itching lotion into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen’s magnificent breasts. When he had reached a level of satisfaction that he had never imagined was possible, he returned to his chamber. There he was surprised to find Horatio demanding payment. But now, with his passion thoroughly sated, and with the knowledge that the physician could never report the crime to the King, he refused to pay and ushered him away.The next day, Horatio quietly dusted the loincloth of the King with a massive cloud of the same itching lotion. And that is how Michael the Dragon Master was finally called into the service of the King!

A duck walks into a shop and says, “Have you got any nails?” The shopkeeper says. “No.” The duck says, “Got any nails?” The frustrated shopkeeper, in a louder voice says, “NO!” So the duck says, “Got any nails?” Through clenched teeth, the exasperated shopkeeper says. “If you say that again, I’ll bean you with my hammer.” So the duck says, “Got a hammer?” Raising his left eyebrow the shopkeeper answers, “Nope.” So the duck says, “Got any nails?”

From: Pat Lewis Human Resources Director
Date: December 1
Re: Christmas Party!
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A great time is guaranteed for all so mark it on your calendar.

FROM: Pat Lewis. Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwaanza at this time. Is everybody happy?

FROM: Pat Lewis. Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request.However, if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Suggestions?

FROM: Pat Lewis. Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis. Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess worshipping” employees, butwe’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis. Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People! People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we please just lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis. Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians !?!?!? I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’ as you so quaintly put it and you’ll get your #$? ? ^? ? %* salad bar including the hydroponic tomatoes. But you know they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishop. Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 13
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. (Of course that’s what we all really wanted anyway!)

 

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