History behind the biline.ca website
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Lets just say many of these arrived in my e-mail and may not be appropriate for all readers. Remember I just collected these jokes and I don't know the origin of any of them. The collection is quite large so I've split the bulk into seven pages which you can jump to easily by clicking below.
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A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in racing horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to lose the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
They buried the Bishop the next day.
A guy goes to Hell and is met by the Devil. The Devil explains that the punishments are changed only once every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment from one of the three chambers that would be revealed to him. In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. There he sees a really old guy chained to the wall receiving a very skillful blowjob from a gorgeous, topless blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and commits to the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, “Okay, you can stop now, your replacement has arrived.”
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.
One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent worried as Sister Logical had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical show up.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
You Know You Qualify as Trailer Trash When…
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, watch this”
8. You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’
9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
10. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
11. You think The Star Spangled Banner ends with, “Gentlemen, start your Engines.”
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house blew right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
15. One more hole in your card gets you a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife’s hairdo.
17. You can’t get married to your sweetheart ‘cause there’s a law against it.
18. You dated your Dad’s current spouse while you were in high school.
19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
20. Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”
21. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Life Lessons?.....
? I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
? I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
? I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
? I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.
? I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
? I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
? I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
? I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.
? I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
? I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
? I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
? I’ve learned to say, “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.
The true test of temperature for Canadians
50 above - New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.
40 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35 above - Italian cars won’t start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves & hats. Canadians wear a T-shirt.
15 above - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
Zero - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
10 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles.
20 below - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.
60 below - Mt. St. Helen’s freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door.
80 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
173 below - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw their kegs.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying “Cold’nuff for ya?”
500 below - Hell freezes over. The Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But everything the girl touched melted, no matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her. One day a wizard told the king, “If your daughter can touch one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptoms will be cured.” The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition, any man that can bring her daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a very hard alloy but the same thing happened ...so he too went away. The third prince told the princess “Put your hand in my pocket and feel it.” The princess did as told, though turning red. Tada! It did not melt! The king was overjoyed! And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever after. Question: What was the object? Answer: M&M’s Chocolate. They melt in your mouth and not in your hand!
Rejected Hallmark Cards
1. So your daughter’s a hooker and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side. It’s really good pay!
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry.
3. You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mends. Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. You’ve announced that you’re gay, won’t that be a laugh, When they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! ‘Cause when I was done, I got really snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. But don’t fret about it. She moved in with me.
7. You totaled your car with no memory of why. Could it have been that case of Bud Dry?
A Young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with his or her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women at large ... all in the name of humor.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde tells him to shut up saying, “You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
A hooker visiting Australia goes to a bar and sits down beside a Koala bear. Feeling the onset of boredom she decides to ask the Koala bear if he’d be interested in a little hot action. The Koala bear agrees and so they check into a hotel room. She gets undressed and lies on the bed. The Koala immediately goes down on her, then gets up, jerks himself off all over her and then quickly moves toward the door. The prostitute protests saying, “Wait a minute. Where do you think you’re going? Aren’t you forgetting something?” The cuddly creature coyly replies, “Like what?” The hooker says, “I’m a prostitute. Look it up in the dictionary.” There just happens to be a dictionary next to the Gideon bible so the Koala looks it up then reads aloud, “PROSTITUTE: one who earns money by engaging in sexual relations with others for a fee.” He then says to the prostitute and says, “Well, I’m Koala bear. Look that up in the dictionary.” She does. Finding the listing she reads aloud, “KOALA: a furry marsupial, native to Australia. Eats bush, shoots and leaves.”
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. The piece features a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming back several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!” “No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.” A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. “Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”
Two blondes were riding a train for the very first time. They carried with them a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into her banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain. In the darkness, she asked the other, “Did you take a bite of your banana?” “No.” replied her companion. “Well, don’t.” warned the first, “I did and I just went blind.”
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled upon her as she had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow.” She fretted, “I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.” “Relax honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her, “It will all be OK.” Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. “Where are you going?” Jane asked. “I have a little errand to run.” He sang, “I should be back soon.” After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin saying, “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!” “What is it?” she cried excitedly. “OK. The question is ‘What are the three most important parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’” The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m. Roger shook Jane awake to ask her the question once again. “The head, the heart and the penis.” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the big question. “Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?” asked the host, “You have 10 seconds.” “Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good. Six seconds.” Urged the host. “Eh, uh, the heart?” continued Jane. “Very good! Four seconds.” Stressed the host. “I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning.” “That’s close enough!” announced the host, “You Win!”
This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his new bride prepared for their wedding night. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then white foam in preparation for their lovemaking. She finally announced she was ready. The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls necklace that he admired so much. She replied that she did indeed have it, but wondered what in the world he needed it for at a time like this. He looked again at all her “preparations” and replied, “Ain’t no way I’m gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains.”
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. “God,” he said, “How long is a million years?” God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.” The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?” God answered, “To me, it’s a penny.” The man then asked, “God, can I have a penny?” God answered, “In a minute.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.” The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?” “Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?” “No.” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her Mom asked. “Yes.” Answered the girl quietly. “How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.’”
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his coworker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. “Hey Joe,” he yells out, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a big deal out of it, it’s only an earring.” says Joe sheepishly. “No really,” probes Morris, “How long have you been wearing one?” Joe whispered, “Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed his sexual impulses. “Tarzan not know what Jane say.” he said. So jane quickly explained the wonders of sex to him. So after thinking about it he answered her initial question by saying, “When Tarzan need bananarama Tarzan use hole in side of tree.” Horrified, but not fazed, Jane purred “Tarzan, my darling. You have it all wrong. Now I will show you how it’s done properly.” She took off her clothes, laid down among the jungle vines, and spread her legs provocatively. “Here, you must put it in here.” she said, at which point Tarzan removed his loincloth and kicked her mightily in the crotch. Jane cried out and rolled around the ground. Eventually she managed to catch her breath and gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?” “Tarzan checking for bees.” He replied nonchalantly.
A guy walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, “I’m fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet.” The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. “Don’t file too much off or the bird will drown when it drinks.” adds the shopkeeper. The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary but again without any luck. “But,” says the shop owner, “I do have a parakeet and if you file the beak just so, it will sound just like a canary.” He goes on to explain that filing off too much of the beak will jeopardize the bird’s life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. “Besides,” he thinks, “parakeets are much cheaper.” His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. “Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. Be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown.” The owner of the bird and file thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home. A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner recognizes him and asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports, “Bird’s dead.”The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks, “Filed off too much beak and he drowned?” To which the former bird owner replies, “Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vice.”
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turnover and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him and stopped to ask what was wrong. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm. “This Indian is incredible.” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?” The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said, “Radio broken.”
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.” “Perfect,” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my member with BC Aspirin Power. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it’s up to you!”
Food for thought...
? Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
? I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
? I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
? Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
? Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window.
? Have you ever noticed? Anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
? I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody tries picking the locks, they are always locking three.
? The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
? I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons.”
:) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some “assicons”?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_^^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_}a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_O_) an ass that’s been around . . . alot!
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass Don’t ass me. I didn’t come up with this ‘ass’inine material.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit. Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit. 3 wood.” Replies the frog. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man had completed the best game of golf in his life. He asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and rents the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me.”He figures why not, since after everything the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”
Confucius Say:
? Passionate kiss like spider’s web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
? Virginity like bubble: one prick - all gone!
? Man who run in front of car get tired.
? Man who run behind car get exhausted.
? Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
? Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
? Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
? Man with one chopstick go hungry.
? Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
? Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
? Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!
? Panties not best thing on earth. Next to it.
? War doesn’t determine who right. War determine who’s left.
? Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
? Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
? Man who tell one too many lightbulb jokes soon burn out.
? It take many nails to build crib. One screw to fill it.
? Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
? Man who sit on tack get point.
? Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
? Man who live in glass house should change in basement.
? He who fishes in other man’s well catch crabs.
? Man who fart in church sits in own pew.
? Man who jump from tall building, jump to conclusion.
? Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A little old lady, well into her eighties slowly entered the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet she shakily hobbled the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk, “Ddddoooo yoouuu hhhave dddilddooos?” The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies, “Yes we have dildos. Actually we carry many models.” The old woman then asks, “Ddddddooo yyyoooouuuu hhhaveee aaa pppinkkk oone, tttennn iinchesssss lllonng aaanddd aaabbbooouuuttt ttwwoo iinchessss ttthhhiiicckkk?” The clerk responds, “Yes, I think we do.” “Ccccannnn yyyooouuu ttteeelll mmmmmeeeeee hhhooowwwww tttoooo tttuurrnn ttthhe fffuuccccckkkkkingggg tttthhhinnnnggg offfff?”
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?” “Hello, is this FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.” “Thank you for performing your civic duty.” The next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse aggressively at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yeah they did.” “Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
Airline Humor...
?There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.
? After landing “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
? From a Southwest Airlines employee, “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 418 to Tulsa. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming. Grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
? “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
? “Seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments then paddle to shore.”
? Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to auto-pilot too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”
? “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children.”
? “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
? Words on the back of the Tee shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad read, “If you see me running, try to keep up.”
? You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
? A closed mouth gathers no feet.
? Don’t you think it’s unnerving that doctors call what they do “Practice?”
? Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards? Think about it.
? The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back.” said one youngster. “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.” Then a third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it. What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible. What’s a brunette’s mating call? “Has the blonde left yet?” What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation. What do you call an attractive man with a brunette? A hostage.
In PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In PRISON...You get three meals a day.
At WORK...You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
At WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In PRISON...A guard locks, unlocks and opens all the doors for you.
At WORK...You carry a security card and unlock doors yourself.
In PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
At WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In PRISON...You get your own toilet.
At WORK...You have to share.
In PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In PRISON...There are often sadistic wardens.
At WORK...They are called supervisors.
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?” “I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.” So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?” asked the man. “Intelligence,” the boss sai d. “What do you mean, ‘intelligence’?” The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.” The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree, spraining his wrist and scraping his knuckles. The boss said, “That’s intelligence! The fact that you would try to hit my hand while it’s against a tree shows you have no intelligence. The fact that I knew to remove my hand before you could hit it, proves I have intelligence!” The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend soon asked “What did he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.” answered the man flexing his sore wrist. “What’s intelligence?” said the friend. The ditch digger looked around but saw no trees. Placing his hand on his face he said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Woman’s Quote of the Day:
“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something that you’d like to have with dinner.”
Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:
“Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”
If Men TRULY Ruled the World...
? Valentine’s Day would move to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
? On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.
? St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
? Garbage would take itself out.
? The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”
? Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”
? Tanks would be far easier to rent.
? When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in, Cop: “You know how fast you were going? You, “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop, “Nice one. That’s $10.00 off.”
? Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
? Every man would get four real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards.
? Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
? It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
? Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”
? When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time out.
? Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you.” ? The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
? “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
? At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car just like Fred Flintstone.
? Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
? Birth control would come in ale or lager.
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man resists that notion saying, “Come on. A dog?” So the owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man is skeptical but intrigued. “A centipede?” he remarks, “I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and orders the centipede to clean the kitchen. Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and he finds that it is immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. More than that, the counter-tops are spotless, the appliances sparkle and the floor has been waxed. The man is flabbergasted. He orders the centipede to do the same to the living room. Twenty minutes later, he finds that the carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped and even the plants have been watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Wanting to smoke a joint to celebrate, he commands the centipede to dash to the corner store to buy rolling papers. The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later there’s no sign of the centipede. 20 minutes later still no centipede. 30 minutes later still no centipede. By now man wonders what’s going on. He decides to track the centipede. He opens the front door only to find the insect sitting on the porch.“Hey!” the man complains, “I sent you to the corner store 45 minutes ago. What’s the matter?” “I’m going! I’m going!” says the centipede, “I’m just putting on my shoes!”
11 women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten of them were blonde while one was a brunette. After a quick analysis of their predicament the group decided that, for the good of the party, one of them would have to let go because if that didn’t happen, the rope would surely break and they all would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes, moved by her courageous speech, burst into applause.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live!” and he jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said “Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out the door with my back pack.”
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers that he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking and he pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father!” said the man, “I’ll give you a lift. Climb in.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last second he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Strangely, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard the loud “THUD.” Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.” “That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door.”
A priest, a doctor and a lawyer were ship wrecked on a deserted island. In the distance they could see the mainland. They decided that they would have to swim for it, but they saw that sharks surrounded the island. So the priest said “God will help me, so I will swim to the mainland and bring back help.” They all approved of this plan and decided that the lawyer and the doctor would go to the other side of the island, jump up and down and make noise in order to attract the sharks to the opposite side of the island. The lawyer and the doctor went to the other side of the island, jumped up and down and made a lot of noise, and all the sharks were attracted to the noise and the movement. The priest dove into the water and swam toward the mainland. He was just a few yards from safety when suddenly a shark grabbed him from behind and ate him up. When the doctor and the lawyer saw this the doctor said, “I was a swimming star in high school, so I will try to make it to save us.” So the lawyer went to the other side of the island, jumped up and down, and attracted all the sharks to that side of the island. The doctor dove into the water and swam toward the mainland, but when he was just a few yards from the mainland a shark came up from behind and grabbed him and ate him up. The lawyer, left alone, knew that he must try the swim himself. He dove into the water and even though he was a feeble swimmer, when he got within a few yards from the mainland he was exhausted. Suddenly from behind, a shark gently took a hold of the lawyer, lifted him up out of the water and carried him into shallow water and gently released him!The lawyer, astounded by this, said to the shark “The priest was a man of God and you ate him, the doctor was a man who brought healing to mankind and you ate him, why did you save me from drowning and carry me into shore?” “Professional courtesy!” replied the shark.
An old man was critically ill. Fearing that death approached, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer.” He said, “How much is it for the express degree you told me about?” “It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That’s my business!” he snapped, “Get me the course!” Four days later, the old man received his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a later, the old man received his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?” In a weak voice, with his last breath, the old man grinned and whispered, “One less lawyer.”
