Welcome to my Jokes and bad humor Section 5 of 7
Lets just say many of these arrived in my e-mail and may not be appropriate for all readers. Remember I just collected these jokes and I don't know the origin of any of them. The collection is quite large so I've split the bulk into seven pages which you can jump to easily by clicking below.

Jump to page

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. Crawling through the sands, he is certain he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand just ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.” “I’m not going to trust you,” says the Arab. “I’m not going to trust a genie!” “What do you have to lose? You’re a goner anyway!” The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I to be in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.” ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “OK, kid, what’s your second wish.” Pressed the genie. Instantly the Arab replies, “My second wish is that I am rich beyond wildest dreams.” ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: “I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women.”***POOF*** The Arab is instantly turned into a Tampax. The moral of this story is ‘Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.’

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the ‘Grandma Moses’ of incarceration. Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?” The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, or any number of other games.” The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?” The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. “I brought these.” The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?” He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...”

Women’s English...
Yes means No
No means Yes
Maybe means No
I’m sorry means You’ll be sorry
We need means I want
It’s your decision means The correct decision has become obvious
Do what you want means You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk means I need to complain
Sure, go-ahead means I’d rather you didn’t
I’m not upset means I’m pissed, you moron
You’re so manly means You need a shower and a shave
Be romantic, turn out the lights means I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient means I want a new house
I want new wallpaper means then curtains, then furniture & carpets
I heard a noise means I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? means I’m going to ask for something
How much do you love me? means I did something today you’ll hate
I’ll be ready in a minute means relax, find a good game on the TV
You have to learn to listen means agree with me or I’ll cut you off

Men’s English
I’m hungry means I’m hungry
I’m sleepy means I’m sleepy
I’m tired means I’m tired
May I have this dance? means and eventually sex?
Can I call you sometime? means With the hope of having some sex?
Do you want to go to a movie? means After which I want sex
Can I take buy you dinner? means I really want to have sex with you.
Nice dress! means Nice cleavage! Bet you’d be good at sex.
Would you like a massage? means Let me fondle you before sex.
What’s wrong? means What stupid, self-inflicted, psychological trauma is it now?
What’s wrong? means The odds of sex tonight are decreasing rapidly right?
I’m bored means How ‘bout some sex?
I love you means Let’s have sex right now
I love you, too means OK. I said it. Now can we have sex?
Let’s talk means I’ll impress you by being deep, then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? means I want it to be illegal for you to have sex with anyone else. Except maybe your friend Holly. And I get to watch.

I’M ‘LOVE MY JOB’ BOB
I’m ‘love my job’ Bob, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he/she’s the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location.
I hate to take a day’s vacation.
I love my desk. It’s drab and gray, Stacks of files grow tall each day!
I love my chair in this padded cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work with all my Peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my PC, bright shiny screen, I hug it often; its speed is obscene.
I love each program and every File, Waiting for tech support I drool and I smile!
I’m happy to be here, I am I am; I’m a happy Slave of Uncle Sam.
I love my Work; I love my Chores.
I love the meetings with pencil neck bores.
I’m ‘love my job’ Bob - I’ll scream it again - I even love these friendly men - Who’ve come to visit me here today, In their lovely white coats to take me away!

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. “What are you doing?” she asked. The daughter replied, “I’m 38, still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.” Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went down-stairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. “What are you doing?” he exclaimed. Again the daughter replied, “I’m 38, still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.” A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. “What on earth are you doing?” she asked. Without breaking his gaze at the tube he replied, “Just watching the game with the closest I’ll ever get to a son-inlaw dear.”

Two morons were working on a house. One of the two was nailing down siding. He would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other worker found this to be strange behavior so he asked, “Why are you tossing those nails away?” The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away ‘cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!” The second became angry yelling, “You are such a MORON! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the OTHER side of the house!”

One day Little Patsy got her ‘monthly bleeding’ for the first time in her life. Having no idea what was happening to her, and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with her friend Jimmy. She found Jimmy and shyly showed him what her problem was. Jimmy’s face grew serious as he examined her and he said, “You know, I’m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just sliced your balls off!”

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar. She asks them all, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender! I’ll buy that ballerina a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender! I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!” After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?” The drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”

A typical married couple lay in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her ‘kitty.’ He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book. After a few minutes of more reading, he reached over to his wife and started fondling her ‘kitty’ again. Moments later, he resumed his reading. The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing taking your clothes off?” The wife replied, “You were fingering my ‘kitty.’ I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, “No, not at all.” The wife then asked, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?” “Just wetting my fingers,” said the husband innocently, “so I could turn the pages in my book!”

A fellow passes away only to find himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets a demon. Demon: “Why so sad, my friend?” Guy: “What do you think? This is Hell!” Demon: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?” Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.” Demon:” Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.” Guy: “Gee, that sounds great!” Demon: “You a smoker?” Guy: “You better believe it.” Demon: “Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s ok, you’re already dead!” Guy: “Golly” Demon: “I bet you like to gamble.” Guy: “Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.” Demon: “Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it.” Guy: “Wow.” Demon: “You like to do drugs?” Guy: “Well, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean...” Demon: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s ok... You’re already dead!” Guy: “Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin’ place!” Demon: “You gay?” Guy: “Uh, no.” Demon: “Ohhh... I’m afraid you’re gonna hate Fridays....”

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t permit it. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but with two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?” “You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking lovestruck and ‘very’ satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago !!!” “I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.” “I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!” “I can’t remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other....”

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumps out from behind a tree. He holds a machete to her throat and snarls, “Red, I’m going to fuck your brains out!” To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reaches into her picnic basket and pulls out a .44 magnum, points it at him and says, “No you’re not! You’re going to eat me. Just like it says in the book!”

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. Seeking clarification the judge says to Mickey, “You say here that your wife is crazy.” “No I didn’t yer honor,” says the mouse. “I said she’s fuckin’ Goofy.”

“Good evening ladies.” Said Sherlock Holmes as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. “Do you know them?” Dr. Watson asked. “No.” Holmes replied, “I’ve never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.” “Good Lord Holmes.” Blustered the old doctor, “How in the world did you know all that?” “Elementary, my dear Watson.” Explained the sleuth, “ The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.” “The prostitute,” he continued, “grabbed it with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.” “Amazing!” Watson exclaimed. “But how did you know the third was a newlywed?” “Because she held it one hand, and pushed her head toward it with the other.”

Kyle walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” “It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains. “What’s it telling you now?” she probed curiously. “Well,” he answers deliberately, “it says you’re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I’m definitely wearing panties!” “Strange.” Kyle says, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, “Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about... Driving home along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color didn’t suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?’”

Actual Label Warnings
Sears hairdryer.....Do not use while sleeping.
Bag of Fritos.....You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details Inside.
Package for Dial soap.....Directions: Use like regular soap.
Schwan frozen dinners....Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Tesco’s Desserts printed on bottom of box...... Do not turn upside own.
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding.....Product will be hot after heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta iron......Do not iron clothes on body.
Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine......Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
Nytol Sleep Aid......Warning, May cause drowsiness.
CT Christmas lights......For indoor or outdoor use only.
Japanese food processor......Not to be used for the other use.
American Airlines peanuts.....Instructions- Open packet, eat nuts.
Child’s superman costume......Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.
Swedish chain saw......Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

Actual Telephone Answering Machine Messages
? A is for academics and B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.
? Hi. This is John. If this is the Phone Company, I sent the money. If you’re my parents, please send money. If you’re my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you’re my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have lots of money.
? Hi. Now you say something.
? Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
? Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
? Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a ‘sexy’ message, I’ll call sooner!
? Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
? Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
? This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.
? Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM CANADA IF...
You only know three spices - salt, pepper, and ketchup
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
The mosquitoes have landing lights
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat
Canadian Tire on Saturday is busier than Christmas toy stores
Your house has no front step and the door is one meter above ground
You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
Driving in winter is better because the potholes are filled with snow
Sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
The local paper devotes 2 pages to news and 6 pages to hockey
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant
The most effective mosquito repellant is a shotgun
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday
You head south to go to your cottage
You clean grease off your barbecue so bears won’t prowl your deck
You know which leaves make good toilet paper
The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo - it’s sausage making
You find -40C a little chilly
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
You can play road hockey on skates
The 4 seasons are winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction

A woman asks her husband, “Would you like a nice breakfast of bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra.” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch, she asks again offering him, “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s the Viagra.” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner she asks again, “Would you like anything to eat, to go to the cafe or I could buy you a burger. Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? I can whip it up in minutes.” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then,” she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’M STARVING!”

Presidential Quiz (answers at the end)
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about not being too wasted to “push the button” in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
3. Which president allegedly had an affair as well as children with his wife’s half sister?
4. Which president married a woman who hadn’t yet divorced her first husband-and was branded an adulterer during his reelection campaign?
5. Which president wrote love letters to his neighbor’s wife while he was engaged to someone else?
6. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady’s personal secretary?
7. Which president made love to a young woman in the White House coat closet-at one point-while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
8. Which president made love in a coat closet while telling his lover about the other president who made love in a closet?
9. What vice-president was upset because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than that of the President?
10. Which president got caught?

Answers
1. John F. Kennedy
2. Lyndon B. Johnson
3. Thomas Jefferson
4. Andrew Jackson
5. George Washington
6. Franklin D. Roosevelt
7. Warren G. Harding
8. John F. Kennedy
9. Lyndon B. Johnson
10. Duh!

Important Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it: ‘Y2KY Jelly’. Said a spokesman: “The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two”

A young boy went up to his father and asked, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?” The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.” The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!” The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?” The boy replied, “Yes, sir. Potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars but realistically, we’re living with a couple of sluts.”

? Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
? A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
? Practice safe eating - always use condiments
? A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
? Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death
? I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
? Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
? A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
? Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
? Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
? Banning the bra was a big flop.
? Sea captains don't like crew cuts
? Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
? When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
? Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
? When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
? Alarms: What an octopus is.
? Dockyard: A physician's garden.
? Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
? Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
? Pasteurize: Too far to see.
? Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, “If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.” “It's in the judge's hands now.” the lawyer cautioned. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” asked the defendant. “Absolutely not!” answered the lawyer. “His Honor is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge!” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As he departed the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.” “No doubt you’d have lost if you'd sent them.” the lawyer confirmed. “But I did send them.” said the defendant. “What? You did?” choked his flabbergasted council. “Yes, That's how we won the case.” winked the defendant. “I don't understand.” the lawyer replied quizzically. “It's easy. I sent the judge the cheapest cigars I could find, but I enclosed the plaintiff's business card...”

Due to increased product liability litigation, beer makers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be immediately placed on beer containers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol…
? is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
? may make you think you are whispering when you’re not.
? may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends crush your skull.
? may cause you to thay shings like thish.
? may have you believing ex-lovers are dying for you to call them at 4 am.
? may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
? may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
? may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
? is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
? may create the illusion that you are tougher, more beautiful, and smarter than this really awesome woman named XENA.
? may lead you to believe you are invisible.
? may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
? may cause an anomaly in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time become black holes within your memory.
? may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
? may result in misspelled snow signatures.

One Dozen Things Not To Say If Pulled Over By The Police
1. When the officer says “Been drinking?”
don’t say, “Been eaten’ donuts?”
2. “I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.”
3. “Do you know why you pulled me over?
Okay, just so one of us does.”
4. “Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!”
5. “I pay your salary!”
6. “You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?”
7. “I thought you had to be in shape to be a cop.”
8. “Are you Andy or Barney?”
9. “You must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!”
10. “Aren’t you the guy from the village people?”
11. “Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.”
12. “Sure, I got a driver’s license. Here. Hold my beer a second.”

Actual Newspaper Headlines
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get 9 Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is there a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget: More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 years at Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

Beware of the following viruses:
CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS: (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

A depressed young woman decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the dockyard where a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her. The sailor implores her, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder adding, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.” The girl agreed. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine safety drill, the captain discovered her. “What are you doing here?” the Captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,” she explained. “He’s taking me to Europe…and so…well…I’ve been letting him screw me.” “You sure have lady!” said the Captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

It was crowded in Heaven, so God changed his entry policy such that in order to get in you must have had a bummer of a day on the day you died. The first candidate arrived at the gates of Heaven where Gabriel, in mind of the new criteria, prompted the man, “Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.” “Sure.” said the man. “I came home to my 25th floor apartment, on my lunch hour, only to interrupt my wife who was having an affair. Her lover was nowhere insight. My wife, half-naked, screamed at me as I quickly searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I glanced onto the balcony and there was a man dangling over the edge held only by his fingertips! I stomped on his fingers and he let go. Wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some bushes and didn’t die. In a rage I grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on to drop on him. Strangely, it was the fridge. I unplugged it, pushed it onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories before totally splattering him! The excitement of the moment was so intense that I instantly suffered a fatal heart attack.” Gabriel thought about it. Technically the guy did have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.” Seconds later a new guy arrived. “OK, here’s the rule.” Said Gabriel, “Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you had. “No problem.” the man replied. “Believe it or not, I was exercising out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment and accidentally fell over the side! I caught myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine.Then, all of a sudden, this crazy man comes running out of the apartment and starts stomping on my fingers! Of course I let go but trees and bushes broke my fall. As I'm laying face down, paralyzed with pain, the wacko heaves a refrigerator off the balcony. It lands directly on top of me and kills me!” “I could get used to this new policy.” Gabriel chuckled quietly, as the man finished his story. “Very well. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.” The man sauntered on in. A third man then approached the gate. “Tell me about the day you died.” said the angel. “OK. Picture this.” begins the man, “I’m naked. Hiding in a refrigerator!”

New Words for a New Millenium
? AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
? CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
? DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v.
To sterilise the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
? ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n.
The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.
? FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
? LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n.
manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
? PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
? PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
? PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
? TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

A rancher needed to pay for a bull to service his cows and so he borrowed the money from the bank. The banker, who administered the loan, dropped by a few days later to check on his investment. The rancher complained that the bull just lay around, chewed its cud, and wouldn’t even look at the cows. They decided that a veterinarian should evaluate the bull. The following week the banker returned to see if the vet’s visit had helped. The rancher, looking very pleased said, “The bull has serviced all my cows, then he broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbour’s cows.” “Wow.” Exclaimed the banker, “What on Earth did the vet do to that bull?” “He just gave him some pills.” replied the rancher. “What kind of pills?” asked the banker. “I don’t know,” answered the rancher, “but they taste kind of like peppermint.”

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, where a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?” “Not a thing.” said the hunter husband. “That lion got himself into this mess. He can get himself out of it.”

In the shadow of all the sadness and trauma presently dominating the news of the world, the recent death of a noted celebrity went virtually unnoticed. Larry La Prise, was the man who wrote the classic novelty dance song called ‘The Hokey Pokey.’ He died peacefully at age 93. His passing may not have been noteworthy at all but for the difficulties encountered by his family as they tried to arrange his corpse within the coffin. They put his left leg in... and that’s when the trouble started.

Dating for Idiots If you want to impress a lady ... Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her, Believe in her, Pray with her, Pray for her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. To impress a man … Show up naked, Bring beer, Don’t block the TV!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man with spiked, rainbow-colored hair ambled up to the bench and seated himself next to the old man who just stared at him. Soon the young man felt the old man’s eyes fixed upon him. He turned and with dripping sarcasm said, “What’s the matter, old timer? You’ve never done anything wild in your long worthless life?” Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Sure did. Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my son!”

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood. They began to hassle him about where he got it. He begged them to just leave him alone and let him get some sleep. They kept squealing and screeching until he finally gave in. “Okay, follow me!” He agreed as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley the cloud of bats flew, across a river and into a forest of thick, gnarly trees. Finally he alit upon a twisted branch joined quickly by the throngs of hungry bats. “Now, do you see petrified tree stump over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!” all the other bats screamed in a rising frenzy. “GOOD!” shouted the bat, “BECAUSE I FUCKIN’ WELL DIDN'T!”

European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c.” Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f.” This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent e’s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v.” During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, spots the perfect car and walks over and opens the door to inspect it. As she leans in to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud brassy fart suddenly escapes her. Completely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes that a sales person doesn’t appear just then. As she turns away from the car, naturally, she comes face to face with a salesman. “Good day, How may we help you today?” He inquires. Very uncomfortably she attempts to turn the conversation by asking, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?” He answers, “Madame, I'm afraid that if just touching this car caused you to fart, hearing the price would probably make you shit your pants!”

A guy trudges into a dark, lonely bar on his way home from another long day at the office. Grabbing a faded, wellworn red-leather barstool, he pulls up to the dusty old bar and orders a drink. Gazing blankly at the rim of his glass, his mind wanders back over the events of the day. Suddenly he hears a voice saying “Wow, you are the best looking guy to come in here in ages.” Startled, he looks around to find himself alone at the bar. Thinking it must have been a result of his daydreaming, he dismisses the voice and soon ends up again gazing into the bottom of his glass. “You really are good looking.” he hears and looks up at the bartender. “Did you hear that?” he asks. “Hear what?” replies the barkeep. “Someone’s coming on to me, but when I look around, there’s no one there!” the man offers incredulously. “Oh, its the beer nuts.” says the barman, “They’re complimentary.”

Mary Poppins told the children the story of an ancient magician. He was an old wizard who had walked barefoot his entire life. This stoic practice had left him with an impressive number of areas on his feet that were covered with thick, dried skin. He ate like a bird and so he was rather frail. His inadequate diet gave him an insurmountable case of bad breath. “He was” explained the nanny, “ a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”

Things Mom Would Never Say “Be extra good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!” “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?” “Don't bother wearing a jacket. Its quite warm out.” “Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week.” “A cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.” “Yeah, I used to skip school too.” “Leave all the lights on. It makes the house more cheery.” “Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?” “Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!” “Just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know.” “I don’t have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.” “Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s okay, that’s good enough for me.” “Take the shortcut to school. So what if you have to cross Main Street?”

Britain’s Prime Minister Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient who speaks saying, “Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race!” Blair, somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. That patient starts with, “Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit.” Suddenly a third patient recites, “Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty Wi bickering brattle!” The PM turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. “A mental ward?” he guesses. “No.” replies the doctor. “It’s the Burns unit.”

 

<<< Previous | Next Page >>>