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Lets just say many of these arrived in my e-mail and may not be appropriate for all readers. Remember I just collected these jokes and I don't know the origin of any of them. The collection is quite large so I've split the bulk into seven pages which you can jump to easily by clicking below.
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
A young man hurriedly sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of scotch!” responds the young man. “6 shots? Are you celebrating something?” asks the barkeep. “Yeah, my first blowjob.” Says the lad as he tosses back his final shot. “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He takes the plunge and asks her about the book. “This is a very interesting book,” she begins, “It actually confirms that American Indians have, on average, the longest penis of the human species while Polish men have the widest diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.” He instantly takes her hand saying, “Nice to meet you. I’m Tonto Kowalski!”
One night, as a couple prepared to retire for the night, the husband gently kisses his wife on the neck and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns and says, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over but just can’t sleep. He rolls back over, taps his wife again and whispers in her ear, “You don’t have a dentist appointment tomorrow do you?”
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He explained that he had a passionate urge to insert his penis into a pickle slicer. Shocked at hearing this, his wife demanded Bill consult a sex therapist right away, but Bill refused, saying he’d be far too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” He started. “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” she cried. “Yes, I did.” He whispered. “My God, Bill, what happened?” she whispered also. “I got fired.” he proclaimed taking a deep breath. “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” she persisted. “Are you hurt?” “Well, I’m not happy.” He answered “She got fired too.”
A man visits his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. In a weak moment of melancholy, in addition to his usual gentle commentary, he caresses her left breast. To his surprise she responds with a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor. The medic confirms that this is indeed a hopeful sign and suggests the man try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any further reaction. The man agrees and fondles her right breast. The comatose woman responds this time with a moan. Next the doctor suggests that oral sex might bring about an even stronger response if the husband were willing. The doctor offers the man privacy for this very personal act of love and exits to the hallway. Soon, the man also exits the room, his face white as a sheet. He announces that his wife is dead. The shocked doctor asks how. The husband’s face falls into his hands as he whispers, “She choked.”
The curator of the Museum of Western Art commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-size painting on the theme ‘Custer’s Last Thought.’ The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer’s state of mind during the debacle at the Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was revealed for the curator. In the foreground, a crystalline blue lake featured a single fish leaping through the air. Around the fish’s head floated a golden halo. In the background, there were hills and meadows covered with naked, copulating Native American couples. The curator was both disgusted and baffled by what he regarded. In a rage he turned to the artist demanding, “What the hell has this got to do with Custer’s Last Thought?” “Simple,” replied the artist, “Custer’s last thought must have been, ‘Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?’”
There was a gorgeous blonde who became so sick of being the brunt of blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, while driving through countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?” The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, “Of course.” The ex-blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, “352.” This being the correct number, the shepherd was completely amazed and exclaimed, “You’re quite right! O.K. I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.” The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. Upon scrutinizing her selection the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K. Now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?”
8 year-old Pat, and his 10 year-old brother Mike, were the two most mischievous scamps in town. There was nothing they wouldn’t try to get away with. They particularly enjoyed repeating the language they would overhear outside the local pub or destroying anything not being guarded by a responsible eye. Their poor widowed mamma decided to seek spiritual help to try to get control of the young vandals. She implored the village’s new priest to talk to the boys. Father Flanagan, a former boxer, was six feet seven inches tall and weighed 300 pounds. He agreed to council the boys but requested to see them separately, the eight-year-old in the morning and the older brother in the afternoon. Pat strutted into the rectory and lithely climbed into the armchair. Father Flanagan towered above him and in a thunderous voice demanded, “Where is God?” Pat sat bolt upright. His fingers dug into the chair. Once again the priest bellowed, “Where is God?!” Pat’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. One more time, Father Flanagan gathered up all the fear of the Lord he could muster commanding, “WHERE IS GOD?!!” Pat rocketed out of the chair, out of the rectory, ran straight home, up the stairs, into a closet and locked the door behind him. Mike watched him dash past and followed him up the stairs. He crept up to the closet door and whispered through the key whole, “Paddy, whatever happened?” “Oh Mikey,” sobbed the terrified sibling, “We’re in it deep now. God’s missin’ and dey tinks we done it!”
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. She placed her items on the conveyer belt to check out. A drunk, standing in line behind her, watched mindlessly as she placed her items in front of the cashier. Suddenly he said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, examined the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections confirmed the claim saying, “Well, that is correct. Are you psychic? How on earth did you know that?” The drunk looked her up and down and said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit!”
Neighbor 1: “Welcome new neighbor. You got a great day to move onto our lovely little street!”
New Neighbor: “That it is and I must say folks around here seem extremely friendly.”
Neighbor 1: “So what do you do for a living?”
New Neighbor: “I am a deductive reasoning professor at the University.”
Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning. What’s that?
New Neighbor: “Here’s an example. I noticed you have a dog house out back. By that I can deduce that you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1: “That is right”
New Neighbor: “I then further deduce you have a family.
Neighbor 1: “Right again”
New Neighbor: “Which lets me deduce that you have a wife.”
Neighbor 1: “Correct”
New Neighbor: “So I can deduce that you are heterosexual.”
Neighbor 1: “Yup. That’s amazing.”
New Neighbor: “That’s deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1: “Cool”
Later that same day…
Neighbor 1: “Hey. I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.”
Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”
Neighbor 1: “Yeah. He’s a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.
Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning. Never heard of that before.”
Neighbor 1: “Here’s an example. Do you have a dog house?”
Neighbor 2: “No. I don’t.”
Neighbor 1: “Faggot.”
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it is his wife’s birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realises that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store Marvin realises that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, most sheer negligee in stock. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. He finds her in the kitchen and then tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He’ll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realises that this is something she’s never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’ll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. “Marvin,” she calls out, “Come out to the hallway and see.” Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife and exclaims, “All that money I paid and they didn’t even iron it.”
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The Trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket and as he did he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer piped up, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said. “Well yeah, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer continues. “Well, circle flies are common on the farm. You see, they call’em circle flies ‘cause they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.” The trooper says, “I see...” and returns to writing the ticket. Suddenly he stops saying, “Hey…wait a minute. You trying to call me a horse’s ass?” “Oh no, Officer.” Says the farmer defensively. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.” “Well okay, that’s a good thing.” Comments the trooper as he returns to writing the ticket. After a moment of awkward silence the farmer adds, “Hard to fool them flies though.”
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with the tirade he deserved for his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “I’d welcome that!” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday passed with the same results. However, by Thursday the swelling had diminished such that he could just see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You must use ‘big people’ words.” she would always chide them. She asked Jason what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” He stated warmly. “No. You visited your grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Jordan what he had done. “I got to ride on a choo-choo!” he started happily. “No.” She scolded. “You got to ride on a train. Use big people words.” She then asked Wilmont what he had done. “I read a book.” he boasted. “That’s wonderful!” exclaimed the teacher, “What book did you read?” Wilmont thought about it for a moment, then with great pride and in his loudest voice he said, “The Adventures of Winnie the Shit.”
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time. Elmer inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. “The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.” the ticket agent began, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.” “What? Would you repeat that please?” Bob asked. The agent repeated the schedule to Elmer then asked, “So, do you want to make a reservation?” “No way.” said Elmer. “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that sucker take off.”
A young student begins his first part-time job as a waiter in a diner. A large trucker sits down at the counter. He signals the young server shouting, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.” Bewildered, the young fellow takes the order to the kitchen where he tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong place. Look at what he ordered!” The cook roles his eyes explaining, “He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up.” The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker who growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!” The young man tells him. “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!”
It’s been three months since coming to college. I am sorry for my thoughtlessness not writing until now. I’ll bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down. DON’T READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Things are getting better. My skull fracture and concussion are almost healed. They happened as I jumped out of my dormitory window during the fire. I’m down to only one sick headache per day. I was so lucky that gas station attendant, working near the dorm, saw both the fire and my jump. He called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital. Since I had nowhere to live because the dormitory burned he invited me to share his apartment with him. It’s really just a basement room but it’s kind of cute. He’s a very fine boy. We’re deeply in love and are getting married. We haven’t set the exact date yet but it will be before I start to show. Yes, I’m pregnant. I know how much you’re looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same devotion and tender loving care you gave me as a baby. We have to delay our wedding because my boyfriend’s minor infection prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests. Stupid me. I caught it from him. It will clear up with the daily penicillin injections. I know you’ll welcome him into our family with open arms. He’s not educated but he’s kind. He’s ambitious and although he’s of a different race and religion than ours I know you’ve often expressed tolerance so his different skin color won’t bother you.I’m sure you will love him as I do. His family background is strong. His father is an important gun-bearer in his native village. Now that I have brought you up to date. I confess there was no dormitory fire. I didn’t have a concussion or a skull fracture. I wasn’t in hospital. I am not pregnant. I don’t have VD and there’s no man in my life. I am, however, getting a ‘D’ in History and an ‘F’ in Science. I just wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church courtyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorisation from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally shouted. “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?” The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say. “Yes, Mayor. It is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
A preacher is teaching a lesson on the evils of alcohol to a fourth grade Sunday school class. To illustrate his point he places two glasses on the lectern where everyone can see. He then drops a live worm into each one. He describes what he is doing as he continues. He next fills one glass with water and the other with alcohol. The latter worm dies quickly, while the former continues to wiggle happily. “Now what does this teach us about alcohol?” the preacher asks. Larry, the freckle face little red head in the front row pipes up, “If you drink whiskey you won’t get worms?”
Are you addicted to your cell phone?
Answer ‘yes’ to any of the following questions and you may be doomed to cell hell.
? Do parts of your body tingle when you get free cell phone minutes?
? Does raising your kids interfere with programming your speed dial?
? Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting on the toilet?
? Does the term fashion statement mean matching your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?
? When getting into a car accident, do you tell your caller, “Hold on a minute. I’m haemorrhaging?”
? Does the sound of static trigger memories of ill-fated connections?
? Do you use the menu light as your night light?
? Does it take you an hour on a regular phone to get the same feeling of a five-minute cellular call?
? When receiving a phone call, do you ask the film projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?
Two atoms were walking through Central Park. One atom says “You know what? I think I picked up an extra electron.” The other atom says “Are you sure?” The first one says “Yep. I’m positive!”
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which when administered to women compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habitforming.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said. “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said. “No, I’d say it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is bristling with thousands of electrical connections.” The last engineer offered his astute insight, “Actually must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc. I need something for my eyes. I can’t see very well these days.” The Doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. The doctor replies. “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc. But I just discovered that for the last 2 years I’ve been living with a garden hose.
Dear Ms. Prood Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment. Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants. I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then, best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely. Albert Hawkins
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver lowers the window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver cries out, “Ow! What did you do that for?” The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama boy. When I pull you over you have your license ready.” The driver says. “I’m sorry officer. I’m not from around here.” The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license and it comes up clean. He hands the driver the license and walks around to the passenger side where again he taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down and the trooper gives him a good crack in the head with the nightstick. The passenger whines, “What’d you do that for?” The cop looks at the passenger through his mirrored sunglasses and says, “Just making your wishes come true.” The passenger, still rubbing his head, says, “Excuse me?” The cop grins and says. “Both you know and I know that two miles down the road you were gonna turn to your buddy here and say, ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me.’”
Guy leans in a taxi window and says to the driver, “You mind if I bring in a case of beer and pizza?” The cabbie says “No problem.” So the guy climbs in, pukes all over the back seat, and says “Alright then, let’s go”
Beer vs Pussy
A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer
A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy is best served hot. Advantage: Pussy
Ice cold beer is satisfying. Ice cold pussy is Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer
Pussy hair in beer is disgusting. On a pussy it’s less disgusting. Advantage: Pussy
Beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you come in. Advantage: Pussy
Head is not welcome on a beer. Advantage: Pussy
Beer, brewed with yeast is consumable. Pussy with yeast…well that’s disgusting. Advantage: Beer
Come home smelling like beer and your wife might get angry. Come home smelling like pussy and she will definitely get angry. Advantage: Beer
6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done enough driving. Advantage: Pussy
It’s acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. If you have pussy in the stands of a football game you’re a legend. Advantage: Pussy
If there’s beer on your breath you get a Breathalyzer test. If there’s pussy on your breath you get a high five. Advantage: Pussy
With beer bigger is better. Advantage: Beer
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: Beer
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God. Advantage: Pussy
If you think about your next pussy all-day you’re normal. If you think all day about your next beer you’re an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy.
If you snag a beer at work you get fired. If you snag pussy at work you get sexual harassment. Advantage: Tie
Suddenly drop a beer and it might break. Suddenly drop a pussy and it’ll hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer
If you change to another beer your old brand will gladly welcome you back. Advantage: Beer
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.
Bad beer: Schlitz. PBR. Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne. Janet Reno. Madeline Albright. Advantage: Tie
Good beer: Samuel Adams. Moosehead. Pete’s Wicked Winter Brew. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy
The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy
It’s a close call, but the numbers never lie. The Overall Winner: Pussy!
Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St.Peter met Arthur, telling him, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world your reward is that you can meet anyone you want in Heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said. “I want to meet God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room where he introduced him to God. Arthur asked God. “Now you designed woman, right?” God said. “Ah, yes.” “Well,” continued Arthur “professional to professional you have some major design flaws in your invention. First, there’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. Second, it chatters constantly at high speeds. Third, most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. Next, the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. Finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous.” “Hmmmm. You may have some good points there.” offered God. “Hold on a minute.” God went to his Celestial super computer. He typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it quietly. “Okay, it’s true that my invention is flawed,” God explained to Arthur, “but according to these numbers more men are riding my invention than yours.”
One day a castaway, stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship.” he concludes to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks. “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Must be ten years!” he mumbles. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long, satisfying drag saying, “Man, oh man! Is that ever good!” The blonde then asks him. “How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” Trembling, he replies, “At least ten years!” She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve and pulls out a flask, which she gives to him. With trembling fingers he opens the flask, takes a long, thirst-quenching belt and says, “Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic!” Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. She looks at him seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve…played around?” The haggard castaway with tears welling up in his eyes, cries out, “Oh sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him. “Can I also sit and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure. Why not?” So, the rabbit sat on the ground beneath the crow to rest. Suddenly, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Lesson Learned: To sit idly you must sit very high up. A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” the turkey sighed, “but I haven’t got the energy. “Well, why not nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull, “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung he reached the second branch. Finally after two weeks, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. There, a farmer spotted him and shot him. Lesson Learned: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there. When the human body was first created all of the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said. “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.” The feet said. “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The Hands said. “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the anus spoke up.All the parts laughed at the idea of the anus being the Boss. So the anus went on strike, blocking itself up. Soon the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the anus should be the Boss. So the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Lesson Learned: You don’t need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero as the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough a snowplow soon passed by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow she was feeling very smug. She was having no difficulty at all, with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had elapsed she was surprised when the snowplow stopped. The driver climbed out, trudged back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The driver asked her if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She told him she was fine and related her daddy’s advice to simply a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was fine with him and she could continue all she wanted, but now that he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot he was going over to do K-Mart next.
Two engineering students were crossing campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied. “Well, yesterday, I was walking along, minding my own business, when this beautiful woman rides up on the bike. She threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said. “Take anything you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in. “I don’t know, but I doubt I’ve ever witnessed such ineptitude!” The pastor added, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hey George. What’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said. “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy to see if there’s anything he can do.” Rolling his eyes at their comments the engineer asked, “Why don’t these guys just play at night?”
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small ‘x’ in chalk on a particular component of the machine and announced, “This is where your problem is.” The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect suggested that he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist stated a preference for his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. “I like both.” offered the engineer. “Both?” the others queried in unison. “ Of course,” lectured the engineer, “If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman and you can go to the lab and finally get some work done.”
An engineer was working on an electrical station near a pond when suddenly he heard a voice speaking to him. To his surprise and disbelief it was a tiny frog sitting on a rock next to the pond. The articulate amphibian spoke again saying, “It’s true! If you kiss me, I’ll be transformed into a beautiful princess.” He picked the frog up and stashed it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again saying. “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it then returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out. “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the exasperated frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess and I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I haven’t got time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now that’s cool.”
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she is driving a car. As she is going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?” She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the hall she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of his room and says. “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?” She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over and gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out. This time he’s stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says. “OH NO! Not the BREATHALYZER again!”
The Canadian Transportation Safety Commission recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian manufacturing divisions of the three major vehicle manufacturers. For five years they installed concealed black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks. The objective was to determine the circumstances within the last 15 seconds before a fatal crash. Perhaps not surprisingly, across almost every province and from a total of 61.2 percent of fatal crashes the final words spoken by drivers were, “Oh shit!” Only in the province of Quebec were things significantly different. In La Belle province 89.3 percent of last words were, “Hold my beer, tabernac and watch dis!”
Translations......
I can’t find it. Translation- it didn’t fall into my outstretched hands so I’m completely clueless.
That’s women’s work. Translation- it’s dirty, difficult and thankless.
Will you marry me? Translation- my two room mates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.
It’s a guy thing. Translation- There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
Can I help with dinner? Translation- Why isn’t it already on the table?
It would take too long to explain. Translation- I have no idea how it works.
I’m getting more exercise lately. Translation- The batteries in the remote are dead.
We’re going to be late. Translation- Now, I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.
Take a break honey. You’re working too hard. Translation- I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
That’s interesting, dear. Translation- Are you still talking?
Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love. Translation- I forgot our anniversary again.
You expect too much of me. Translation- you want me to stay awake.
It’s really a good movie. Translation- it’s got guns, knives fast cars and naked women.
You know how bad my memory is. Translation- I remember the words to the theme song of ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I kissed and the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
I was just thinking about you and got you these roses. Translation- The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong.
Oh, don’t fuss. It’s a scratch. It’s no big deal. Translation- I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.
I do help around the house. Translation- I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.
Hey. I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing. Translation- I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.
What did I do this time? Translation- what did you catch me doing?
She’s one of those rabid feminists. Translation- She refused to make my coffee.
I heard you. Translation- I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it w ell enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.
You really look terrific in that outfit. Translation- please don’t try on another outfit. I’m starving.
I brought you a present. Translation- It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.
I missed you. Translation- I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper. I’m not lost.
I know exactly where we are. Translation- No one will ever see us alive again.
This relationship is getting too serious. Translation- I like you as much as I like my truck.
We share the housework. Translation- I make the messes. She cleans them up.
I don’t need to read the instructions. Translation- I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
A woman is invited to dinner at the home of her boyfriends’ parents. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to the combination of her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. Gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice she decides to attempt a onecheek sneak, but instead squeezes out a dainty but audible fart. It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed the boyfriend’s father spied the family dog, snoozing contentedly near woman’s feet. “Skippy!” He said sternly. “This is great!” thought the woman and she smiled and nodded toward the family patriarch. A couple of minutes later she began to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate to release a much louder and longer fart. The father again scowled at the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!” “Yes!” she thought to herself and once again smiled and nodded at all of the guests. A few minutes later the woman was stressed again. This time without a second thought she blasted gas with an explosion that rivaled a train whistle blowing. This time the father regarded the dog with disgust and shouted, “Dammit Skippy. Get away from her before she shits all over you!”
The sister of Lorena Bobbitt was arrested recently for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband that Lorena had inflicted on her spouse. The sister wasn’t as accurate with her blade and so stabbed her husband in the leg by mistake. She has since been charged with a misdaweiner.
